Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
