Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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