Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
