I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
