there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
