There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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