I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
