im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
