As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
