guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
