Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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