Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
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Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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