My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
