I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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