I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just puked most of my soul out..
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
