he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
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