So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
