I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
