I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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