i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
