Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
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Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
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Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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