he puts the penis in happiness.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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