If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Boobs speak an international language.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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