ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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