I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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