So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
