I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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