the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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