just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
