She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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