just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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