Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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