I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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