What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
