Please, let me fuck your mom
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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