Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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