I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
