update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
