I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
