Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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