forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
