It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
