fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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