naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
cat food counts as protein by the way
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
