is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
