Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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