so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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