i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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