pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
