apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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