I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
