Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
