i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants