I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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