The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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