i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
do herpes really smell.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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