We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
